What is the distinction between having a dislike for a person and dislike for their actions? How might our attitude toward them manifest differently in each case? Is disliking someone unavoidable, or do we just learn to love in spite of it? How exactly can we exercise acts of love for someone with whom we have a displeasure? Discuss this reflection in light of 1 John 4:20: “If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ but hates his brother, he is a liar; for whoever does not love a brother whom he has seen canno
Jun 14, 6:39 PM
VisitationSiste: brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.”
Saint Francis ensures us we do not need to go to confession when we fail to be totally cheerful with someone. How can this help in leading someone away from scrupulosity?
How should you treat a person who is not your superior, and yet always seems to be critical about you?
Jun 14, 6:51 PM
VisitationSiste: Sun chat June 14 730pm est
Jun 14, 7:29 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): welcome evryone
Jun 14, 7:29 PM
Sr Jennifer (Guest): Hi Mother and Guest 5309
Jun 14, 7:30 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): Blessed Feast Day today!
Jun 14, 7:31 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): Hi Carol Anne!
Jun 14, 7:32 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): hello
Jun 14, 7:32 PM
Carol Ann: Hi Sr, Susan Marie! My formation person has guests today so I am here early
Jun 14, 7:32 PM
Sr Jennifer (Guest): Hi Carol
Jun 14, 7:33 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): Great!
Jun 14, 7:33 PM
Carol Ann: Hi Sr, Jennifer. Are you in Brooklyn too?
Jun 14, 7:35 PM
Sr Jennifer (Guest): Yes
Jun 14, 7:35 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): The first question certainly applies to people living in community as well as to those in the workforce!
Jun 14, 7:36 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): What is the distinction between having a dislike for a person and dislike for their actions? How might our attitude toward them manifest differently in each case?
Jun 14, 7:36 PM
Carol Ann: Oh yes, I’ve experienced both forvsure!
Jun 14, 7:37 PM
Carol Ann: For me, I can takeva very strong dislike to actions and have to remind myself sometimes that people sre not their actions
Jun 14, 7:38 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): It also makes a big difference as to whether the disliked actions are personal
Jun 14, 7:38 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): It is difficult to separate because actions can stem from the soul
Jun 14, 7:39 PM
Carol Ann: Yes, in the case I am thinking of, I most definitely do not know her soul, just her actions
Jun 14, 7:39 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): St Francis de Sales always gives the benefit of the doubt so to speak
Jun 14, 7:39 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): I work in the courts so I see a lot of actions I do not like, but this is easier to take a “professional” attitude on, but when an offense is actually perceived against myself, it is harder to separate the feeling from the response
Jun 14, 7:40 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): but it is hard when certain actions are repeated
Jun 14, 7:40 PM
Carroll V (Guest): I am working tonight, so can’t stay. Sending 💖 & 🙏s and a big ” thank you” for sharing the Sacred Heart Novena of Masses online!
Jun 14, 7:40 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): Are you viewing? Have a blessed evening and thanks for stopping by!!
Jun 14, 7:40 PM
Carol Ann: That makes it worse, when it’s personal. This particular person knows what I dislike and does it anyway
Jun 14, 7:41 PM
Carol Ann: Hi Carroll!
Jun 14, 7:43 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): Is disliking someone unavoidable, or do we just learn to love in spite of it?
Jun 14, 7:43 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): Carol, do you believe the action is done either with disregard for you or intentionally against you, or might their need to take this action simply be stronger than their desire to spare you from it?
Jun 14, 7:44 PM
Carol Ann: Id say it’s 50/50. Partly habit on her part. Hut I’ve heard her say, oh sure go with Carol, but just don’t say anything bad about anyone!
Jun 14, 7:45 PM
Carol Ann: Sorry, but.
Jun 14, 7:46 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): I think it is natural to have dislikes but supernatural to learn to love those we dislike
Jun 14, 7:47 PM
Carol Ann: This topic is so appropriate for me right now. I need to learn those ways and not just sit here complaining
Jun 14, 7:48 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): Sometimes modelling will help in that circumstance – when she says something negative, don’t correct or respond, simply balance it with something positive. She will either stop in order to get you to stop, or the positive ideas will start following the negative in her own mind so that she simply starts curbing herself.
Jun 14, 7:49 PM
Carol Ann: I’ve tried that, and I think she kind of gets it. But I’m more likely to not respond by changing the conversation altogether
Jun 14, 7:52 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): I believe it may be impossible to completely prevent ever disliking someone, but if we don’t stop at that point – if we keep looking with charity, we can usually find some point of good or at least hope that we can hold onto to keep ourselves at least civil until the charity can take hold.
Jun 14, 7:52 PM
Carol Ann: The game now is for her to catch me doing or saying something wrong so she can make a huge deal out of it
Jun 14, 7:53 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): I think that is a Salesian approach- it is to keep looking for the positive
Jun 14, 7:53 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): Not easy tho
Jun 14, 7:53 PM
Carol Ann: No, but it is the right way
Jun 14, 7:54 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): At work the approach mite be a bit different than in a religious setting but the problem is probably the same
Jun 14, 7:55 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): Carol, it is difficult when people are actively seeking to trip you up, but don’t give up and don’t forget the value of an apology if you do slip up – we know we’re not perfect, but to acknowledge it openly makes a big impact as well.
Jun 14, 7:55 PM
Carol Ann: Yes, in the Rule I am learning we do not talk about others in the community with whom we disagree, but we go to them and reconcile
Jun 14, 7:56 PM
Carol Ann: Harder in the workplace not to give in to that temptstion!
Jun 14, 7:57 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): How exactly can we exercise acts of love for someone with whom we have a displeasure?
Jun 14, 7:58 PM
Carol Ann: One way I have fun with is to find out what that person likes and then give it to them. Usually anonymously
Jun 14, 7:59 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): I recently recommended to someone that they should still be willing to help if needed, but that help may be more like throwing a rope to a panicked drowning victim, rather than jumping into the water to try to hold their hand
Jun 14, 8:00 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): Sometimes just not taking a judgmental attitude, suspending it for a while and trying to preceive another and more wholesome character trait
Jun 14, 8:01 PM
Carol Ann: That is definitely best. And pray, and offer up for them
Jun 14, 8:03 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): We all struggle with this issue!
Jun 14, 8:04 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): It is also helpful to try to understand the motives for an action – most people who are acting negatively are either striking out in anger or fear, or they have simply learned inappropriate patterns. Gaining an understanding can at least boost the empathy which then gives more sincerity in the efforts to help or respond charitably.
Jun 14, 8:04 PM
Carol Ann: It is part of being human I think. If I can forgive myself for the feeling (and repent!) I can be less judgemental
Jun 14, 8:05 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): Good advice too Guest 5309
Jun 14, 8:05 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): And if we may never know the cause for someone’s negative behaviors, accepting that there likely is a cause, then gives us something to offer on their behalf to God
Jun 14, 8:06 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): What does one offer? Not sure what you mean
Jun 14, 8:06 PM
Carol Ann: Yes, and not try to “fix it”
Jun 14, 8:07 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): prayers on their behalf, for peace or healing or …
Jun 14, 8:07 PM
Carol Ann: Oh, I offer up my Eucharist when I receive or I say a Rosary or mercy prayer because I know God wants to work all this for our good and for salvstion
Jun 14, 8:08 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): I find if I can pray to God for their good, it is very hard not to feel His love entering the situation
Jun 14, 8:09 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): Yes ongoing prayer, thank you
Jun 14, 8:09 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): Saint Francis ensures us we do not need to go to confession when we fail to be totally cheerful with someone. How can this help in leading someone away from scrupulosity?
Jun 14, 8:11 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): remembering that the emotion or feeling is not a sin as there was no choice, but it is our reaction to that which needs to be considered.
Jun 14, 8:12 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): ut I guess if our “go to” emotion is critical, we may need to take some responsibility in adjusting the framework that we are viewing others through
Jun 14, 8:12 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): I think sometimes if one lives in a nearly perpetual annoying circumstance a person prone to scrupulosity can move that way
Jun 14, 8:13 PM
Carol Ann: It also takes our focus off of ourselves to not be constantly.judging ourselves and holding others to our stabdards
Jun 14, 8:13 PM
Carol Ann: You are right, Carroll
Jun 14, 8:17 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): How should you treat a person who is not your superior, and yet always seems to be critical about you?
Jun 14, 8:18 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): haha, see above…
Jun 14, 8:19 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): but sometimes putting some distance may be helpful if that is an option
Jun 14, 8:19 PM
Carol Ann: I’ve been told in the workplace to say thanks for the input, I’ll consider it. That doesn’t sound quite right in a monastic setting
Jun 14, 8:20 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): as Carol, said though, maybe not appropriate in community
Jun 14, 8:21 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): …maybe confusing – I meant that my last option might also not be appropriate in community
Jun 14, 8:22 PM
Carol Ann: I think it’s about boundaries. In the workplace people tend to cross that line with greater freedom and it is more necessary to,take a stand for integrity’s sake
Jun 14, 8:23 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): and in community the rules include apologies and sometimes penances which you will not find in the workplace
Jun 14, 8:24 PM
Carol Ann: Yes!
Jun 14, 8:25 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): I appreciate St Francis de Sales advice that for the sake of integrity, we should correct a wrong accusation, but once the correction has been made, we are then not to continue arguing it. This is a fairly recent distiction for me so not a lot of experience with that balance yet…
Jun 14, 8:27 PM
Carol Ann: There is much wisdom there. If the person corrects their mistaken view we should drop it. But what happens if they don’t?
Jun 14, 8:27 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): Yes and to move on if possible is a way of trying to strike that balance
Jun 14, 8:28 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): Sometimes one has to part from the scene in a gentle way
Jun 14, 8:28 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): ifpossible
Jun 14, 8:29 PM
Guest5309 (Guest): If they don’t change their stance, then this is an inner mortification that can be offered just as Jesus was falsely accused, but the correction is made by you so that others who may be aware of the accusation may be given the information needed to form their own opinions
Jun 14, 8:29 PM
Sister Susan Marie (Moderator): This Friday is the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. May His Love fill you. Prayers for you and God bless!
Jun 14, 8:29 PM
Carol Ann: I tried that the other day in the office. Shevwent right tomthe boss and had a long list of complaints and names to call me
Jun 14, 8:30 PM
Carol Ann: Oh, Carroll, thank you!